new thoughts

Since my cancer diagnosis  has me at a 20% survival rate, I’ve had a lot of struggles.  I feel like I HAVE to do everything to save my life NOW!  For instance, I have to learn how to eat a cancer free diet.  I have to excercise hard.  I have to always have a great attitude.  I HAVE to have complete faith now that the cancer will never come back.  I can never worry. etc.

Lets face it, I’m a human being and trying to do all of this has me failing completely.  I really want to have that life style and I’m doing my best but if I eat candy once in a while, it’s ok.  If I have a panic attack once in a while, it’s ok.  If I don’t run or excercise everyday, it’s ok.  I’ve learned that I’m putting way too much pressure on myself to do absolutely everything and it’s just not working.  I admire the people that can but I’ve come to a new conclusion….

God loves me and when I was first diagnosed with cancer, he spoke these words to me.  “For I know the plans I have for you.  A plan to prosper you.  A plan for good and not for harm.  A plan for a future.”  These words were spoken to me as if he were physically next to me.  Well, since then, 5 years later I’m still alive and at this moment I’m cancer free.  So far God has lived up to his end of the bargin and it’s a fact that I’m one of the 5 years statistics that has lived.  To anyone reading this, God has honored his word.  I believe there’s more to it though because God has continually spoke to me about hope.  Especially since my last diagnosis in November 2011.

I truly believe God has a great future planned for me.  I’ve been struggling this year thinking I’m so weak and I keep asking God to make me strong.  I read today in the Bible, (I can’t remember where but I wrote it down) God works best in us when we are weak.  I didn’t like that because who wants to be weak? Nobody.  But then this bible verse says to let God be our strenth.  Then I thought, wow.  That’s the answer.  I don’t need to be strong and I don’t have to worry about anything because I gain my strength through God.  That makes me very strong.

Based upon everything I’ve struggled with and leaning on God for so long, this is what I’ve come up with.   I have a long list of healing scriptures and everyday from now until my next cat scan in March, I’m going to memorize a verse.  Everyday I will say the verses I’ve memorized along with the new verse, so tomorrow I will have memorized 2 verses.

I would like people to do this with me so that I’m not doing this alone.  This is my committment to myself.  Here is the 1st verse for today:

Psalms 118:17  “I will not die, but live, and Tell of the works of the Lord.”